Failure
6.4.2015
So...lets talk about failure.
Emotional failure is incredibly different from most failures. You feel drained and disappointed in yourself, rather then physically failing an activity...which is still incredibly disappointing.
When I feel like I've disappointed my parents, that's when I know I did something wrong and failed the expectations they hold so highly in their head/hearts for me.
A month ago or so, my mom left her home in New Paltz to go visit her parents in Florida. Okay... so lets take a quick second to think about this, what parent leaves their 17 year old daughter in an empty house for week and expects them not to do something "mischievous", as mother would say. So going against her word, I had a few friends over. A window got broken, the fire extinguisher was ripped out of the wall, an ice cube tray broke and the thermostat was shattered. Whopps.
Of course I kept this from her, but when she got home it took her a good 10 minutes to realize something was off in the house... even though I fixed all broken items in the house!!!!!! Anyways, she yelled and yelled at me trying to get me to admit to having a party; I did no such thing thought, I stood my ground. She still knew I did it though, she knows me a little too well.
When she started crying, I knew I really f**ked up. I failed the trust that she had held so unconditionally for me, which really wasn't fair to her when I thought about it. She gives me basically everything I need, provides for me even if its not in her best interest and most importantly, she loved me unconditionally.
So like two weeks later I admitted it too her and she didn't even care. I think she lost the will to punish something she had little to no control over. She understood why I did what I did but she still stated "I am incredibly disappointed in you", and hearing that from your favorite person in the world hurts.
I think I learned a lot from this failure..or maybe you can't even call it a failure. But, I learned to just be straight with my mother, even if it means getting punished. I learned punishment and being up front about something is worth the risk rather then loosing the trust of the people that care most for you in the world. Now, I am not saying im never gonna lie to my mom again, but maybe I just shouldn't go behind her back and have a party where I put her in a position to loose trust for me. Or maybe I will, who knows..I take her love for granted a little bit. But what can I say, im 17 years old and im just tryna live a lil.